To Divorce or Not to Divorce?

This is a question I've pondered before my divorce and after my divorce.  I've read many different stories about divorce, the effects they have on children, pretty much the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Keep in mind that my thoughts are based on having children.  This is not for individuals who have no kids, divorce is a GOOD option.

What is ironic is how I envisioned life would be after divorce and how I envisioned my life to be before the divorce had not and did not come into fruition.  What makes a good marriage or bad marriage, what makes a good divorce or bad divorce?  The maturity level of the adults in them, that's what.

For the life of me, I don't know why I believed that my immature spouse, once divorced would become a mature divorcee.  The past two days of my life, really pointed this out to me.  If your immature during marriage, why wouldn't you be immature during divorce.Or as my niece says, immaturity is another way of saying not taking responsibility.

The one thing I regret in all of this is not personally going and setting up some type of marriage counselling.  I was so tired and fed up with being the one to always initiate action in the marriage.  I was the one who set up this or set up that or initiated conversation or communication.  So, in my mind, if he really wanted our marriage to work, he would have made the appointment for counseling.  That would have proved to me that he was serious about saving us.  Well I was wrong, that would not have been the point of proof.  The proof would have came during the counseling sessions, if he showed up, if he participated in it.  Therein is where lies the proof.  So in that respect I failed.

So in hindsight, how would I answer the question to stay married or get divorced?  I say get counseling, because when your dealing with the maturity level of the spouses in a marriage, if they don't want to take responsibility for their actions, for their part in what's not working, then you are still going to need some type of counseling.  If it's done before and there is no reconciliation at least you can work on a game plan for after with the help of a professional. Right now, we need professional counseling so we can manage our divorce with children.

There is a saying that states, "Out of the mouth of babes comes the darnedest things".  My 13 year old expressed to me her feelings about our divorce about a year ago.  She said, "adults should live together and get to know one another for at least 5 years before they decide to have children.  Because it's not fair to us when they decide they don't want to be together anymore".

PS. Check out this thought on divorce from Fathering My Daughters: Food For Thought

Species Interaction - Parasitism, Commensalism, Mutualism: What relationship are you in?

I am working on week 7 of my Interactive Science class and I'm learning about species interactions.  And being that one of the topics I love to discuss are relationships, it dawn on me that we have been in relationships that are similar to what I'm learning.  So here are the basic definitions:

• Parasitism - self explanatory, parasites.  One gets all the benefits and the other gets all the harm.  The books example is a tape worm in a human being.  The tape worm gets the benefits, nutrients it needs from your body to survive.  This causes us to be depleted of our nutrients, makes us sick, and if not treated we'll die.  This sounds like most abusive relationships.
• Commensalism - One gets the benefits and the other is neutral.  This sounds like the place I work were supposedly you are all a team.  You each have different departments to work in but responsible for the whole section.  If for some reason a team member doesn't finish there area you take up the slack and you don't get recognition for it.  Instead you are rewarded as a team.  The slacker gets a free ride on the tails of his team members.
• Mutualism - Both get the benefits.  This is how I want my next relationship to be like.  So sick of the one-sided love affairs.

It's a scary thing trying to get back in the dating game.  You don't want to make the same mistakes of your past relationships and yet it keeps hovering.  Everyone you talk to talks a good game, but when it boils down to it, their talk is not the way they walk.  And why does it seem like they know to say exactly what you want to hear.  Time is my friend, it always reveals to me the truth.

I especially see that at work dealing with the X, just when you think things are flowing smoothly, that communication is getting better, time brings out the truth.  You once again get the reaffirmation of why you divorced in the first place.  The saying "time will tell" is no joke.  You just have to be patient, listen, and store what you hear and see.  Eventually you will either see consistencies or inconsistencies.

Here's a poem that shows that:  Older and Wiser

Comments on "I Simply Don't Exist"

Well, I wrote this poem last week, the 17th to be exact, after my X and I had one of our "episodes".  In this saga, the X, really showed me how inconsiderate and unconcerned he was about my well being.  It finally sunk in and of course I'm having a hard time with it.  I don't understand what it means not to have empathy for someone else.  Especially someone you care about.  Empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you have to agree with the person, it just means you can understand why that person may act the way they do.

All I can think to myself is after 13 years of marriage, 3 kids, and everything we've gone through, you cannot empathize with me and extend some help that is not monetary?  Just because we are divorced, it doesn't mean we have to be arch enemies.  This man really hates me.  He really does.  He hasn't forgiven me for divorcing him, for not giving us another chance, for not believing he was taking our problems seriously.

After our episode, I was so hurt, my BFF ended up calling him.  She was just trying to explain that I was tired and going through some things.  His response:  "I don't care what she's going through.  I was forced to move on and that is what I have done.  So her state of mind or whatever is happening to her is none of my concern."  My BFF: "But you have children together, she's not going anywhere."  The X: "that is true, I guess I'll just have to figure that out".

It's so funny how he can ask to use my discount card at the store I work to buy Xmas for the kids, or ask me to change days with him during the week, or pick up the kids bcuz he wasn't going to make it on time.  I helped when I could which was most of the time because it dealt with the kids.  Apparently, empathy is a one way street with him.

The golden rule says "treat others as you want to be treated".  This sounds to me to be the same as "treat others how they have treated you".  So from now on that is what I'm going to do.  Otherwise I am going to continue to have the same feelings I had when we were married, used, unappreciated, and disrespected.

Poem:  I Simply Don't Exist