Tuesday, January 4, 2011

To Divorce or Not to Divorce?

This is a question I've pondered before my divorce and after my divorce.  I've read many different stories about divorce, the effects they have on children, pretty much the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Keep in mind that my thoughts are based on having children.  This is not for individuals who have no kids, divorce is a GOOD option.

What is ironic is how I envisioned life would be after divorce and how I envisioned my life to be before the divorce had not and did not come into fruition.  What makes a good marriage or bad marriage, what makes a good divorce or bad divorce?  The maturity level of the adults in them, that's what.

For the life of me, I don't know why I believed that my immature spouse, once divorced would become a mature divorcee.  The past two days of my life, really pointed this out to me.  If your immature during marriage, why wouldn't you be immature during divorce.Or as my niece says, immaturity is another way of saying not taking responsibility.

The one thing I regret in all of this is not personally going and setting up some type of marriage counselling.  I was so tired and fed up with being the one to always initiate action in the marriage.  I was the one who set up this or set up that or initiated conversation or communication.  So, in my mind, if he really wanted our marriage to work, he would have made the appointment for counseling.  That would have proved to me that he was serious about saving us.  Well I was wrong, that would not have been the point of proof.  The proof would have came during the counseling sessions, if he showed up, if he participated in it.  Therein is where lies the proof.  So in that respect I failed.

So in hindsight, how would I answer the question to stay married or get divorced?  I say get counseling, because when your dealing with the maturity level of the spouses in a marriage, if they don't want to take responsibility for their actions, for their part in what's not working, then you are still going to need some type of counseling.  If it's done before and there is no reconciliation at least you can work on a game plan for after with the help of a professional. Right now, we need professional counseling so we can manage our divorce with children.

There is a saying that states, "Out of the mouth of babes comes the darnedest things".  My 13 year old expressed to me her feelings about our divorce about a year ago.  She said, "adults should live together and get to know one another for at least 5 years before they decide to have children.  Because it's not fair to us when they decide they don't want to be together anymore".

PS. Check out this thought on divorce from Fathering My Daughters: Food For Thought

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